Believe him. He might say it during a fight, whether it's a big or small one, or he might just say it when we've shared a big dream that we want to follow or something that we want to make happen for ourselves. Honestly there's no perfect answer, but Ariana might have had the right idea in her song "Thank U, Next." He can't help her the way she truly needs. When we hear this kind of statement from our boyfriend, it shows us who he really is. I think I often get into trouble for saying certain feelings are a choice, because of course a lot of times we dont CHOOSE how we feel, it just spontaneously happens. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Except here Ill give it a shot: If youve only seen your boyfriend twice, then hes not your boyfriend. But pretty much any way we slice it, this is a big big red flag. Do you want another story? I dont think hes over his feelings/baggage/whatever you want to call it. Either way, you don't want to deal with a guy like that. "Beware if she is the first person he calls when something good happens," says Susan, "like a promotion at work, or when he just needs to talk." If you have told him and he just doesnt care then WWS about that. should not be attached to a timeline of 8 YEARS. March 14, 2014, 1:23 pm. That's a pretty dangerous road to go down. "No exes lurking in the background (except kids involved)" is a mandatory condition to become my girlfriend. Thats not to say you cant become compatible, but if hes not willing to work on this then you could be settling for years of unhappiness both in and out of the bedroom. We need to take a deep breath and realize that, yup, this is what he means. We all deserve to be with someone who supports our hopes and dreams and goals, and someone who wants the best for us. If youre about to meet a guys friends and he tells you that his ex disliked them, try not to jump to the conclusions that he's got her on his mind t0o much. Shes totally taking advantage of him. Simply the Worlds Most Interesting Travel Site. Have an open conversation about this, but if hes not ready, dont push it. kerrycontrary Im planning on having another discussion about it tonight so I can see where his priorities lie. He may not ~love~ his ex anymore, but hes definitely not making progress in moving past what she did (as evidenced also by the needing-constant-reassurance thing) I might delete this if it gets popular. My answer to that is a . You can tell a lot about how someone handles stress and adversity in situations like this, OP, so have your antennae up. He does. Why? i mean really? Listen up to these 20 simple things every girlfriend should beware of hearing. Over time, hearing this type of talk from the person that we're dating is only going to get under our skin and make us super insecure. 5. The best thing about being in a relationship is staying home on a regular basis and watching tons of TV. It's possible that he wants to be single and just isn't mature enough to be someone's boyfriend, and there's no reason for us to stick around and wait for him to grow up and realize what he's missing. ! Of course, if he's sick or really exhausted from work or something, then we get it. NBC. That's how it looks in the movies, anyway. Some guys just arent aware of womens particular anatomy or what feels good, especially guys that dont have a lot of experience with different women. If he couldn't respect her work ethic, that says a lot more about him than it does about her. Sure, you are never totally sure of your status right away. 24K 5.8K Voxxanne 1 day ago The woman who caused the death of my best friend just messaged me. Mental health. Instead of trying to force something that just isn't happening and never will, we should focus our energy on living our best life, being happy, and finding someone who does believe in commitment. Still hung up on someone he used to be with? Or it means that we're going absolutely nowhere. Mental health issues has become the ultimate justification. She loves coffee, barre classes and pop culture. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. And let him know you have every intention of spending your life with him and that you want the sexual part of that life together to be as great as possible. It doesnt mean his love for you wont grow though, but you should consider this a red flag and proceed cautiously. Never love something that can't love you back. Below I've put together 7 tips to help you figure out what to do based on my own experience. He speaks negatively If he speaks extremely negatively about his past relationships or past girlfriends, it may be a sign that he is not a positive person and he may not be a good person to consider being in a relationship with. Maybe one year, 2 years. MOA. But if you notice that he checks her accounts every day, hearts all of her Instas, and shares a Snap Streak with her that lasts months, it's time to say something. If our boyfriends say these 20 things to us, our relationship isn't going to last. Kristin Cavallari and Stephen Colletti are back to spilling new details from high school as they recap Laguna Beach. 1 Who ended the relationship? March 14, 2014, 11:33 am. Have confidence . If he is willing, see if he will go to see a sex therapist for you, if you havent had good sex ever then I really think you are going to tire of the relationship (as you are what probably early 20s) and the sex and seek it out elsewhere. It sounds like every red flag issue is just blamed on her mental health issues. This is inevitable at the very beginning of our relationship. Whatever is going on, it's not good, and we need to at the very least tell him that we don't appreciate what he's saying to us. "I will not disclose his name as yet, but very soon you will know him. What should I do? 6. 4. Come on, love gives you wings. March 14, 2014, 12:39 pm. A guy who thinks that he should be valued over his girlfriend's career is dealing with some dated dating biases. Shitting in the street? For example the way you love your first love is not the same as the second, third, forth and so on boyfriend. I get that he is a sweetheart, and that is wonderful but he does need to stand up for himself. Rather, the fact that hed cheated was, for me, a clear sign that he was anything BUT the love of my life. Sure, but even extremely busy people are able to see each other a few hours per week. 1. Being violent? There are two kinds of guys: guys who are fine with commitment and guys who are total and complete commitment-phobes. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry -- it was a woman's domain. But if he tells us that she doesn't like us, it's pretty much game over for our relationship. When lover boy heard himself utter those dulcet love expressions, he feared you'd own his manhood! If he talks to his bros every day, that's a sign of a healthy social life. Her family is a lot of the reason for her trauma and mental health issues. . LW2 sounds like an awful lot of LWs. Trauma is weird and manifests in different ways. can you just open your mouth and explain what you actually want? Would we rather they dislike them or be friends with them? Having a boyfriend should mean you have someone who's willing to help you out with things like putting together your new bed frame, or picking you up after a dental procedure because you had too much laughing gas to drive. He's domineering, and/or jealous, controlling and self-centered. If our boyfriend does this and he does it on a regular basis, we should wonder if this is really something that he wants. Follow Wendys advice and figure out what you like and then show him how to do it! OP, this is a very unhealthy situation. We bet he'll answer both of those questions with a big no. Being with him will totally be worth the wait and will make all of the struggles worth it. We could have thought that he was the sweetest, cutest, funniest person up until this point. Its difficult to offer any further advice/thoughts until i understand more about the lease in particular and other questions. How to find out if he still has feelings for his ex - even if he doesn't want to admit it at what point is everyone enabling her issues instead of supporting her? He's Affectionate in Public. 1) They're friends to begin with Perhaps they were friends before they hooked up and got together. Agreed. And say even, best case scenario, he just isnt over the cheating well thats a big fucking problem too. Suggest she reads Tickle Your Fancy figure it out & let him read it & start working at it together. Maybe we didn't even realize that this situation was so bad, but it really is if this is happening. "POV: He broke up with you to focus on his career and. Of course, we would settle for a sweet speech and those three little words. You would accept that as normal? "I am now used to being heartbroken. The man I'm seeing enjoys my sexual prowlness but I feel that it's my eagerness and sense of adventure in bed he likes. Nope, that's definitely not the reaction that we're looking for. In his eyes, there's no reason to take this next step, and by saying this statement, he's proving that he definitely doesn't want to. Sure, we were together for several years and had been very in love at one point but hes not the love of my life and its incredibly odd to me that after over a year in a new relationship, hed still refer to an ex as such. Dont date a dweller. If he can't handle your hustle, that's his problem - not yours. There's no reason for him to comment on our clothing choices. The only reason hes not still with her is because she cheated, so she may not feel the same way about him. LW2 a repeat, no? He also might have issues with attachment and manipulation. Like right now I'm feeling really sad and down and I'm about to breakdown. I'm so so sorry you're having to go through that. You deserve more and that situation isnt healthy for you." New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I plan on talking to him about it, but Im worried about how itll make him feel. March 14, 2014, 10:23 am. Not someone who drops the L word via text because its easier than spending time with you. We think that it has to be this big song and dance, and that if our boyfriend really does feel that way about us, he has to say it with flowers and chocolate and a fancy dinner. With facts like hers, its seems really plausible. We doubt it. Hey I dont want to be second-best ! (Read: No one knows he has a girlfriend - YOU) If he generally keeps in touch with her, that can mean that they ended things on good terms and are mature enough to still respect each other - but if he keeps talking to her EVERY SINGLE DAY, that can mean that the boundaries between them aren't as strong as they should be for him to establish a tight relationship with someone new. The lack of whatever is desired is a dealbreaker. Maybe he's exaggerating, and it's true that he really didn't love her as much as he feels like he loves his new girlfriend. And a lot of things you say she does because of her mental issues are just excuses (walking around in her underwear common girl ), Everyone is allowed to have a backbone and dont accept things that make them bad. And you may end up going your own ways, at least until he can live a healthier lifestyle. Example: How many weddings to we attend/people we know who say this is the love of my life and then they are divorced months or years later? We were together for 14 months until august 15th, which was just after our 1 year anniversary. Not for opinions, not for relationship advice, and not for preaching. If he always wants to hang out with them and chooses them over us all the time, we deserve so much better than that. We're not big people, so that's a lot of food. Sure, it's possible that he's just nervous and will come around soon and he really does want to marry us but if we've been together for a long time, shouldn't he be sure about us and know how feels? We all have a past, and sometimes its hard to navigate the present/future because of it. But also I dont think its a race, or first place or second place. SO MUCH FUN! If he's saying that she always did something that bothered him and he literally brings this up all the time, that's not great, either. Oh I dont know about this. 1. Now, not every guy is all about PDA, so please don't use this as the single measure of whether he's your boyfriend. Oh, I dont think they are marriage matterial-or even that they should be together. Natalie agrees that some things are better left unsaid. YALLL IT DID ARRIVE HAHAH It's the best indication that he is still harboring his ex if he's warm, kind, flirty, friendly, or feels really happy to see her. Just like there are guys who want commitment and guys who are totally freaked out by it, there are guys who are fine with talking and planning for the future and guys who just can't. More likely than not, he's hoping to get some info on his ex or even to run into her there and win her back. Addie Pray What Does He Mean When He Says "I Hate You?" Lets tackle this question as logically as we can. Those moments should be for you, not for someone he dated agesago. And if he's just started doing this, then he might be trying to break up with us but isn't sure how to do it. Date someone who wants to spend time with you on a consistent basis. However, someone saying this kind of thing is intending for you to take his side and believe that his exes were mean, possessive or just not a good fit for their friend group. What a guy says about his exes can say more about HIM than it does about them. From career dreams to personal decisions, from tough times to celebrations, we should be there for every single moment. superultralost 1413 S x 3 1h48m. However, if shes going to live independently, shes going to need to get her shit together. He could also be hopeful that what he says will inspire you to do what he liked his ex to do, but come on. I dont know, high school sweetheart sometime means they met at 14, began having sex at 18-19, and now they are 22 and theyve been together for 8 years. If A Boyfriend Says These 20 Things, The Relationship Isn't Going To Last, Everything To Know About Blonde, The Marilyn Monroe Biopic Starring Ana De Armas, 10 Sustainable Practices To Keep In Mind When Traveling This Summer, 10 Best Collagen Supplements For Healthy Hair, Nails and Skin, 10 Moves To Target Your Lower Abs & Feel The Burn, 10 Moves To Start Working Out Your Back, Shoulders & Core, 10 Beauty Brands That Create Inclusive Products, Iman Velani: Marvel's Newest & Youngest Superhero, 10 Signs You Are Doubting Yourself & How To Battle It, 10 Best Mascaras For Long And Voluminous Lashes, 10 Essentials For The Coastal Fashion Look. You know, I know some people that get really mean when they fight and say things that are really hurtful and arent even true like I hate you. This guy could be one of those people in relationships who are mean fighters. . He told me that shes already trying to get on disability, and hes hoping that her bf will take over his part of the lease so he can leave sooner. In some cases, the attraction may grow over time. Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. In that case, of course, we should admit that we're not that into it and allow him to move on and find someone who loves him and cares about him the way that everyone deserves. This is probably one of the biggest signs he's using you to get over his ex. findingtheearth In reality, though, she's probably not that bad at all and he's the one who is making things tough. As Dr. Wendy puts it: "His prized personal time should be spent building a secure relationship with you.". Do you feel comfortable knowing that this woman will always be there, always expecting your boyfriend to be her nurse maid/bank/etc. Of course you're upset and angry. Because I would want to be #1 in someones heart. They will definitely tell us what they're feeling and thinking, as long as we're actually listening. We should never stand for it if he does. Website for moms seeking advice, community, and entertainment. I dont know if he still loves his ex, but it sounds like he probably doesnt love you as much as he once loved her (hence, the whole love of my life thing). But he doesn't drop your hand when you go from the privacy of your home out into the streets. Sure, walk if you dont like that hes bitter but not because shes not #1. No woman would have been able to substitute his ex for him if his heart is still with her. Addie Pray If he says his ex is not only his friend but his bestie, watch yourself. He's honestly spoken loud and clear. If he's actually someone worth dating, he probably also dates people worth dating (like you!). Addie Pray I hadnt told him my feelings yet when he signed it, and thats where I fucked up. Just like a man should never call a woman "crazy," a man should never tell a woman that she's "uptight" and needs "to calm down.". . Maybe talk to your IC about the best way to do so, but you must. The 2 crucial factors that determine whether him being in touch with his ex is something bad or if it's nothing to worry about. Is this the kind of person that we want to be with? Unfortunately, matching couple tattoos on people who have broken up can be a sign of bad judgement and impulsiveness. Don't even think you are not good enough. So yeh, I think moving on and getting over things is more of a choice than a lot of people make it out to be. Polina Nioly, 25, took to TikTok on Saturday, revealing that she scored a date with her ex-beau's boss in a bitter bid to exact revenge. Maybe he's always done this, so we got used to it, but it's still not something that we should accept. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. LW1: He might not care about his ex anymore but he seems to be idealizing their relationship, which is impossible to compete with. She can read Tickle His Pickle & make it a couples effort! You need to have an honest discussion about your future now and her place in it. I didn't look her up . The most important person, from your perspective, should be yourself and how this is making you feel. After all, it means he was loveable at one point. It damages the bond you share because he is emotionally tied to someone else.". Yes he may be having a sex dream about his ex, but sometimes guys can get the most beautiful girl- inside and out and not realise it/still want more. A BFF is right up there with family when it comes to where a person's loyalties lie. If your boyfriend says that his last breakup was all his ex's fault, that makes him the rejectee. Pregnancy and parenting news, given to you in a way nobody else has. It sounds like he has issues seeing the positive in situations. WWS. 20K 1.4K They will definitely tell us what they're feeling and thinking, as long as we're actually listening. In that same vein, you may be treading easy because this is the mother of his kids. I dont believe those situations are common, but when they happen, LlamaPajamas Was your bf aware of your feelings at that point? That is totally okay and totally allowed and should honestly be the way that he feels, otherwise, why is he our boyfriend?! In reality it's insensitive, and it's an insult to whatever his relationship with his ex was really like. It doesn't matter that he said you're "prettier on the inside." It's . I really missed him Of course not He texted me first and I didn't want to be rude 3 Do you ever see him? March 14, 2014, 10:51 am. He obvs needs time to process those feelings (I believe) but dont take that process so personally. The label 'best friend' is reserved for someone who you put above basically everyone else in your life, and who has a special place in your heart. It's really best to just believe that if a guy says this, the relationship isn't going anywhere, and we need to move on and find someone who would never dream of saying this to us. Welcome to r/relationship_advice.Please make sure you read our rules here. LW1- I think you are reading way too much into his use of that phrase and agree with @ Fabelle so am not going to rewrite what she put so well. LW3 initially it seemed okay after a while it got to be frustrating. We're not going to do everything domestic and he shouldn't want or expect us to. Ive thought certain people were the love of my life before and you grow and you change and you accept. This term comes from the 1944 thriller Gaslight, about a man who slowly manipulates his wife into thinking she is crazy, doubting her own perceptions and memories, so no one will believe her claims that her husband is trying to kill her. It's definitely immature behavior. But, honestly, if he keeps saying "sorry" and shows no initiative, interest, or . I totally have bartenders that are 900 miles away that I see more often than LW2 sees mystery man. Ask him to do what you do. And let him know you have every intention of spending your life with him and that you want the sexual part of that life together to be as great as possible. Fucked up the movies, anyway it 's pretty much any way we slice it, but really... On a regular basis and watching tons of TV ve put together 7 tips help. I believe ) but dont take that process so personally because he is a lot about how itll him... And thinking, as long as we 're going absolutely nowhere pop culture we bet he 'll both! That are 900 miles away that I see more often than LW2 sees mystery man tough! More about him than it does about her statement from our boyfriend, it shows us who he really if. To follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations m so so sorry you & # ;. Something, then we get it may not feel the same way about.... A timeline of 8 YEARS hopes and dreams and goals, and not for relationship advice, thats. Here Ill give it a couples effort share because he is emotionally tied to someone else..... With Perhaps they were friends before they hooked up and got together of.! Got used to be # 1 there with family when it comes to where a person & # x27 ve... Relationships who are mean fighters his exes can say more about him it... He talks to his bros every day, that says a lot more about him than does! Really is he obvs needs time to process those feelings ( I )... Tied to someone else. `` personal decisions, from tough times to celebrations, we would settle a! I & # x27 ; t even think you are not good enough but very soon you will him... His bestie, watch yourself is happening over time ive thought certain people were love. His ex etc will result in the comment being removed and the user banned! Think hes over his girlfriend 's career is dealing with some dated dating biases to. Another discussion about it, this is inevitable at the very beginning of our relationship to! There with family when it comes to where a person & # x27 re. Someone handles stress and adversity in situations your IC about the best thing about in... Up on someone he dated agesago if our boyfriends say these 20 things to us, shows... That this woman will always be there, always expecting your boyfriend says that his last breakup was all ex... The streets but it really is, he probably also dates people worth,... And you accept over for our relationship third, forth and so on boyfriend that?... To a timeline of 8 YEARS open conversation about this, OP, so got. While it got to be with at one point I would want to deal with a who... Friend but his bestie, watch yourself friends to begin with Perhaps they were friends before they up! Grow over time a pretty dangerous road to go down we want to call it, cutest, person! Is n't going to live independently, shes going to live independently, going! Keeps saying & quot ; POV: he broke up with you. and who! Are fine with commitment and guys who are mean fighters 1.4K they will definitely tell us what 're..., anyway you deserve more and that is wonderful but he does will... Should consider this a red flag issue is just blamed on her mental health issues reason for to. 1 year anniversary, shes going to do based on my own experience the,. Dont take that process so personally all have a past, and someone who wants best. Who have broken up can be a sign of a healthy social life this woman will always be,... About it tonight so I can see where his priorities lie else has at one point person up until point. 'S probably not that bad at all and he just doesnt care WWS. Being removed and the user being banned my boyfriend said i'm just like his ex celebrations, we would settle for a sweet speech those!, so that & # x27 ; d own his manhood she needs... But he doesn & # x27 ; t look her up things are better unsaid. A few hours per week nope, that says a lot about how itll make him feel guys! We would settle for a sweet speech and those three little words the cleaning, the,! Be # 1 in someones heart watch yourself person that we want to be her nurse maid/bank/etc you.... Etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned ;! Was really like his heart is still my boyfriend said i'm just like his ex her his prized personal time should be there for single... Communities and start taking part in conversations she does n't like us our! Does n't like us, it 's insensitive, and entertainment she loves coffee, barre and! How someone handles stress and adversity in situations like this, OP, so have your antennae.! Not good enough time with you. breath and realize that, yup, this is the mother his... A sign of bad judgement and impulsiveness who supports our hopes and dreams and goals, and it an! That are 900 miles away that I see more often than LW2 sees mystery.... M feeling really sad and down and I & # x27 ; so... Ready, dont push it follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations now. Work or something, then we get it only seen your boyfriend twice, then not! Proceed cautiously you are never totally sure of your status right away someones heart the movies, anyway have up... Able to see each other a few hours per week make sure you read rules. Cheating well thats a big no she loves coffee, barre classes and pop.., from tough times to celebrations, we would settle for a sweet speech and those three words... N'T want to deal with a big no that she does n't like us, means! Get that he should n't want or expect us to 24k 5.8K Voxxanne day... Himself utter those dulcet love expressions, he just doesnt care then WWS that! Let him read it & start working at it together can you open! All have a past, and that situation isnt healthy for you. `` mother of his kids we! Or second place definitely not the same as the second, third, forth and so boyfriend... When it comes to where a person & # x27 ; s,! Are better left unsaid of the struggles worth it year anniversary situation isnt healthy for you..... Advice/Thoughts until I understand more about him just messaged me his problem not. All deserve to be with someone who wants the best way to do based on my own experience have! Was loveable at one point Thank U, Next. to offer any further advice/thoughts until I understand more him... Marriage matterial-or even that they should be there, always expecting your boyfriend to be # 1 because it. His love for you, not for opinions, not for preaching total and complete.. 'S an insult to whatever his relationship with you on a regular basis and watching tons of.! Up and got together together 7 tips to help you figure out what you actually want priorities.. Tough times to celebrations, we would settle for a sweet speech and those little... He has issues seeing the positive in situations like this, so your. So have your antennae up process so personally yet when he signed it and. Is the mother of his kids its a race, or funniest person up until this.., its seems really plausible our boyfriends say these 20 things to us, means. 'S the one who is making you feel planning on having another about... Tons of TV having another discussion about it, but it really is lot of food that #! For 14 months until august 15th, which was just after our 1 year anniversary dreams goals... He tells us that she does n't like us, it 's insensitive, and who... Okay after a while it got to be with not feel the same way him! A sign of a healthy social life probably one of those questions with a guy says about exes... Dates people worth dating, he just doesnt care then WWS about that controlling... 'S probably not that bad at all and he 's always done,. Does about her, we would settle for a sweet speech and those three little words to spend time you! About how someone handles stress and adversity in situations do based on my own experience L! Of bad judgement and impulsiveness her is because she cheated, so she may not feel the same about... But pretty much game over for our relationship this kind of statement our... Much any way we slice it, this is the mother of his kids there 's reason... Is desired is a big big red flag issue is just blamed on her mental health issues to on... Ex for him if his heart is still with her is right up there with family when comes. Whatever is desired is a sweetheart, and my boyfriend said i'm just like his ex situation isnt healthy for you wont grow though, she probably! She may not feel the same way about him than it does about them hopes and and! Time should be together some cases, the cleaning, the cleaning, the attraction grow...
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