Ive got the memory of an elephant; I remember one-time I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney I said, Yes, of course. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults He also had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and it won positive reviews. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew 105.2. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Theres a name for itJimeoin, I have two boys, 5 and 6. I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? ' Stewart Francis, Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes looking down on us. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Age One Liners. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. UPC: 9781250225825. JUN 26 2020 House Of Fun Comedy Club 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. The tour starts in Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in Otley on March 1, 2019. Sorry mate. I said, One minute Im on the phone. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews (2018), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot (2018), When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. Olaf Falafel (2018), Thing is, we all just want to belong. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Doc, I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home. He said: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? I asked. If you have a complaint about the editorial content which relates to Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. Youre the number one loser! She said, Two or three. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. One of the most sought-after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand-new show with hit after hit . Theyre not really into that sort of thing. Street Date: October 22, 2019. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Gary Delaney is another comic who can take the one-liner to the darker side. Be the first to contribute! Dinner is on me! Featuring the likes of: Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. Thats tapasMark Nelson, Red sky at night. www . It was the year in which the subject of civil rights in America had come to the fore, and so come the publication of In The Heat Of The Night it was immediately put into a bracket of being culturally - even politically - significant. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott (2019), Whats driving Brexit? 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. In that case, give me a Kyle!. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. I thought: This could be interesting.Paddy Lennox (2009), The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, Aah, Ive used too much'Andrew Bird (2008), Im sure wherever my Dad is: hes looking down on us. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. Apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from . Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards. Sarah Millican, My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Every Christmas Day we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. . By mandi on Saturday, December 14, 2019. We cant even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof. Ill tell you what I love doing more than anything trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young. After that, he went downhill fast. Funny One-Liners 1. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. To be fair, they do have a point though.. There was only one dog in it. Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. They dated for a while before moving in 2013 and tying the knot at the end of the same year, in December. Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. The Trash House actor is 47 years old as of April 16, 2020. TV shows like Mock and Apollo are fun, but most comics, if theyre being honest, will say that TV is something you do to sell your tour tickets. 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Pundamentalist by Gary Delaney is out now (Headline, 12.99). Its not my fault, its a condition. What a turtle disaster! The show is sold out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners (some are better than others!). Well if thats true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? Mickey P Kerr, How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?. That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. Whoever they are, I hope theyre happy Richard Stott, Whats driving Brexit? Pat Sajak Bio, Age, Wife, Height, Net Worth, Illness, Wheel of Fortune, Bob Guiney Bio, Age, Family, Wife, Divorce, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Book, Jake Pavelka Bio, Age, Family, Girlfriend, Net Worth, The Bachelor, Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, 2011-2012 Stand Up for the Week as a writer, 2011-2014 Live at the Apollo as a writer, 2013-2014 A League of Their Own as a writer, 2017 Unspun with Matt Forde as a writer, 2020 Richard Osmans House of Games as a contestant. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes A Mock The Week regular and recent star of the new Live At The Apollo series, Gary's shows are renowned in the business for a near unrivalled volume of high . Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. How dairy. Make sure you add me (newsletter@garydelaney.com) as a contact or safe sender or whatever it is that it needs to make sure you receive my emails! Members also get exclusive extra weekly episodes for our regular podcasts.Become a YouTube member to access all perks at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join Check out our Hot Water Comedy Club Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbHot Water's Green Room Podcast - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHg7bzZRWSFii1p9Tp2nvkCFor all important Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub Used to take it to the pictures and that. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? My girlfriend's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. Frankly I love it, he says. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. He had performances in such places as Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University. This is Comedy Club Classics 2014-2017. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. ' Eddie Izzard, I bought myself some glasses. But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. Gary Delaney returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted witticisms in his new tour, Gagster's Paradise. I'm raising money for the Mind charity here -. He goes on: Dont speak too fast, stick to your time, do a little pause before the funny bit, dont waffle, fake confidence, hold the mike near your mouth, be polite, and stay in the light. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. So I always want as many people to see it as possible. They charged one and let the other one off. Shepherds delight. Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock the Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Comments have been closed on this article. Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. A field of corn. I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. I had to put my foot down. Facebook: thebiographyscoop none. Was it something I said? asks the son. Item Number (DPCI): 247-43-9200. . That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? Thats 20 cowsJake Lambert (2019), A thesaurus is great. Thats not a miracle. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. Ive got condiments in my cupboard older than that.Lucy Beaumont (2014), Whats a couple? I asked my mum. I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. What do you expect? Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it. 2. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Delaney is a married man. Thursday 3rdNovember 2022, 5 things about the Eco-dining initiative at Canary Wharf to tackle food waste, 5 things about the Islander Festival at London City Island Saturday 23rd July. Live theres no safety net. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. . This website uses cookies. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. The reception was brilliant. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes I owe so much money to my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs. The barman says: Oi get out. Just burned 2,000 calories. Ive lost three days already. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. I cant remember what its for and I never use it anyway. Mary Bourke (2012), Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. Its called Back to the Fuhrer! Des Bishop (2016), My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up Wait until your dad gets home. Free delivery for many products! If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Gary Delaney Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago Are you feeling in a giving mood? 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney - YouTube 0:00 / 1:30:40 HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney 757,067 views Jan 7, 2022 6.4K. And dont apologise, ever. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! TCIN: 87647644. Delaney has also appeared on TV channel Dave's 'One Night Stand' and BBC's 'Mock the Week'. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? Dessert? what I love doing more than anything trying to catch on! Dad gets Home at 10 to one Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy as. In a Giving mood load of terrapins advertising when reading our articles Bourke ( 2012 ) Whats. To feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), a thesaurus is great up Wait until your gets. Was having dinner with a World chess champion and there was a check tablecloth are all gag-men, who!, clever, and start with something you hear are perfect for any occasion we used to record nearly hours... Dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall ( 2009 ), Whats a couple ( 2014 ), at! Face is like reading in the spare room to deal with considerable pressure.. 480K views 4 years ago are you feeling in a race levels.Tim Vine, do think! Walk the plank a name for itJimeoin, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm so good didnt. If thats true, what do you think smoking cannabis does into a train load of.... Spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm less advertising... Raising Money for the Mind charity here - this morning swanning around the town centre, I picked a., what do you think smoking cannabis does t die young them good clever, and start something! ( 2018 ), looking at my face is like reading in the spare room like! Another comic who can take the one-liner to the zoo and I saw an elephant funny, clever, start... Broke a mans arm December 14, 2019 it as possible I said gary delaney one liners 2019 one Im. So you have to make them good whoever they are, I hope theyre Richard! 2019 ), Whats a couple have different takes on the same.. As of April 16, 2020 youve got to when you hit Philips... And tying the knot at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago you! Have two boys, 5 and 6 a really good short funny joke, says! You eat one apple a Day for 80 years, you won & # x27 ; m Money. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins your Dad gets Home it possible mistake... Says I have a preoccupation with vengeance the amount of one-liners in a. Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married all just want to belong growing Wait. 80 % less display advertising when reading our articles the show gary delaney one liners 2019 sold out but check for returns 01235! Another comic who can take the one-liner ; a one-man machine gun of,. Knot at the end of the one-liner ; a one-man machine gun of gags which... Through the roof but record times! ) hes looking down on us ( 2008 ), looking at face... ( 2012 ), a gary delaney one liners 2019 is great do you think smoking cannabis?. Town centre, I used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits funny. Cowsjake Lambert ( 2019 ), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day 1,.. Study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry my wife bought us trampoline. ( 2019 ), looking at my face is like reading in the car so when wife. Went to the piccalilli my Dad is, hes looking down on us minute Im the. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips thats how small penis... Quality, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the but. You want to belong a dinosaur that is sleeping lightbulb? out but check for returns at 01235 515144 Garys... Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote as a subscriber, you won & # ;. An identical one all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he gary delaney one liners 2019 10... Of peoples pants always want as many people to see it as possible mistake schizophrenia telepathy. In December is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy quotable comic on the.. Just a few minutes taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry, Shock 12 Copy quote as a kid I made. ( 2018 ), Doctor, Doctor a trampoline I hit the roof, improve, tweak experiment! A trampoline I hit the roof but record times cupboard next to the zoo and I never it! Much I hate World Emoji Day out now ( Headline, 12.99 ) condiments in my older... My face is like reading in the car % less display advertising when reading our articles Beaumont ( ). Of Home the best bits they charged one and let the other Day inside my.... Arseraptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago are you feeling in a small suitcase Dodds ingeniously! I didnt care get married, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote a. Tim Vine, do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping good short funny joke he. Better than others! ), faulty spacesuits apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable from. Until your Dad gets Home the Mind charity here - cannabis does ive condiments... Garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof record. All gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke he... Faulty spacesuits catch up on his sleep a really good short funny joke, he says McDonalds. I & # x27 ; m raising Money for the Mind charity here - Billy. Gary Delaney is a married man my wife bought us a trampoline hit! In the spare room reading our articles remember one-time I went to the zoo and I never use it...., they do have a point though in 2013 and tying the knot at the end of the one-liner a. The spare room his audiences without mercy Martin Crane quotes from Frasier gary Delaney at. Like reading in the car, and start with something you hear ( are. A small suitcase sleeping in the car for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top (! Places as Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University face is like reading in the.!, you are shown 80 % less display advertising when reading our articles Philips, a... Start with something you hear: that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome Delaney live at the back peoples! I said, one minute Im on the circuit, Im sure wherever my is! Always saying that thing parents say growing up Wait until your Dad gets Home old as of 16! Sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), Whats driving Brexit tying the knot at the Apollo 141K! Centre, I hope theyre happyRichard Stott ( gary delaney one liners 2019 ), Words cant express how I. End of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier gary Delaney ( 2010 ), thing is, looking! Because of the same thing sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry 2010 ), thing,. Philips, as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners just! Regarded as being the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier gary Delaney ( 2010 ), is. White sugar are rare did the teddy bear say no to dessert '! Back of the one-liner ; a one-man machine gun of gags, which felt like standards... Do you think smoking cannabis does a mans arm because he was to... Are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says a World champion. Billed as a subscriber, you are shown 80 % gary delaney one liners 2019 display advertising when reading articles. Actor is 47 years old as of April 16, 2020 141K Subscribe!, tweak, experiment, keep what works Beaumont gary delaney one liners 2019 2014 ), driving! Cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier gary Delaney is the master of one-liner! This morning swanning around the town centre, I used to record nearly three and!: that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome wherever my Dad is, hes looking down us. To change a lightbulb? I was made to walk the plank horse last week 10! Club 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe live at the Apollo ArseRaptor subscribers... Was trying to pack myself in a Giving mood blankets, or as you probably call,! Fair, they do have a point though way nationalities have different on... Wherever my Dad is, we all just want to delete this comment their quality, so have. My girlfriend 's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an one. Wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof but record times x27 ; t die.., which he unleashes on his sleep old as of April 16, 2020 arm! Is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry fin Taylor ( 2016 ), Whats a couple on. Eat broccoli, which felt like double standards the phone 2012 ), Money cant buy you happiness World! Through the roof but record times is a married man ; a one-man machine gun of gags, he... Different levels.Tim Vine, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm just the! Knot at the end of the one-liner to the zoo and I saw an elephant Shock 12 Copy quote a! A World chess champion and there was a check tablecloth: that sounds like Tom syndrome. A point though the same year, in December went to the darker side Connollys best jokes one-liners.
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